“Mama things have changed!”
“What do you mean? Nothing has changed.” (I said in denial).
“Yes Mama, for me, things have changed in the way you love me”!
Now I would have felt proud of this sentence or been happy to see how perceptive he is, if these words didn’t feel like a dagger through my heart! I had to hide my sleepless teary eyes.
It was those initial days when we were all trying to find our own rhythm in a house with a new baby. Despite my valiant efforts of making special time out for my first born and trying to continue our usual activities, the boy has felt it. You certainly cannot mask changes. He now has a brother, who mostly drinks, sleeps and cries among plenty of nappy changes. And this brother was certainly not joining in all the fun myriad of activities, he had been planning for the last 6 months! And this little brother was mostly with HIS mama! He has felt a gap and not an addition as he had hoped. My first born’s mind was full of mixed emotions. His eyes were certainly filled with pride, love and joy but there was also sadness and fear, fear (I can guess) being the biggest – that of losing his very special place with HIS Mama and Papa!
On trying to simply explain things to him at bedtime, he asks if there is enough love to share.
My first born, how I can possibly begin to explain these to you…?
That you were the one who first burst into my life,
And scared me so deep,
Scared me on how selfless I had become,
Scared me on how scared I was caring for you,
Scared me to see just how much I loved you from the very core of my being,
Scared me to see to what lengths I will go for you.
Scared me to see how perfect I wanted you to be!
How can I explain to you…?
That love of a mother is timeless…boundless, with no conditions tagged,
That it was you who gave me so much of insight into what love really is,
And how powerful a force it can be.
That the day you were born, nothing else mattered in this world,
That since that day…nothing was ever the same,
That world was new and perspectives clear,
That the saddest of tears and the happiest of smiles I have known,
Because of you!
Yes! Time – the greatest of gifts one can ever give,
Now certainly has lessened with you,
Still please remember,
You were and will always be my first of everything!
Hope one day you will understand,
That all these firsts I have, because of YOU!
And this – no one or anything can ever take away,
From me and you!
Then came the day…
The question of a brother, the question of a sister!
Questioned by you, mind you!
So began a new journey,
A journey of motherhood yet again…
The growing bump, with wiggles and hiccups within,
That much more precious this time round,
As seen through your eyes, my First Born!
Now how can I possibly explain the same to your little brother?
Well, this would be how…
Then out comes YOU, you my Last!
A luscious little bundle, yet again so tiny,
Time rewinds to so many memories,
Comfortingly familiar yet so very new!
And what can I tell you my precious little Last?
Your fresh intoxicating baby smell,
Your tiny fists wrapping around my fingers,
Your head, a perfect fit to my fist,
Your crystal eyes looking at me in wonder,
Your tiny feet with those minute curly toes,
Your yawns, your breath, your smiles and coos,
Your perfect snuggle to my cradling arms,
Your changes day by day, month by month,
So very vibrant, rapid and thrilling,
These will be my very last,
Never to return!
Your looks of awe at your big brother,
Your joys at his joys,
Your startles at his despairs,
It’s like you get it,
How special your bond to him will be!
You my precious, the last love of my life
Will be my rock, my pillar, my strength,
To be side by side with my First Born,
To take on this world together!
And as humanly possible as it can be,
I vow never to compare you,
Never to measure you,
Not to the world,
Not with each other,
Especially not with each other!
Rather treasure you for who you are.
As you, each special one of you,
Will have your very own special place,
In my heart and in this world.
You both will always be my very special First
And my very special Last,
And remember, always remember,
Two loves of my life, born out of my first,
Are the best thing for sure,
That has happened to me!
And what changes already!
I see you kiss good night to your brother’s cheek,
“I love you all the way to Pluto!” you whisper,
Pluto to you, is the furthest from the Earth!
And so my Son you are starting to get it…
The mighty power of pure love.
And thus begins, I certainly hope,
A lifelong love of brotherly bond!